Be consistent

In Herne Hill, Tulse Hill's upscale neighbour, there is a lovely fish and chip shop. Olley's is very much the pride of my part of South London. It is regularly named as one of the best chippies in the country and if you go to the takeaway section you can gaze at the photos of all the celebrities who have dined there (Jo Brand – quite impressive; Phil Gayle of The Big Breakfast – not quite as impressive; Anjelica Huston – perhaps I need new glasses).

On high days and holidays, I like to treat myself to a trip to this excellent establishment. The only problem is that it shuts one day a week. And I can NEVER remember which day it is. Only that it is always shut on that day. See, that's the thing about Olley's. It's consistent. Unlike this place, which would probably cause my brain to melt entirely:

Law breaker

I have a nasty habit of abiding by the rules. This post, then, is a little nerve wracking for me. You see, I'm going to be breaking the law. Here's why:

But you won't sue me, right?

It is therefore with a slight frisson of excitement (I'm a rebel at last!) that I give you this confusing logo:

Oooo, I could murder a pizza. Call Pizza Ring, you say? Yeah, trouble is if you ring them they bring fried chicken ribs.

I have nothing

I've noticed that most menus promise you something – if not an incredible dining experience then at the very least a free bottle of fizzy pop. All credit to this establishment, then, which has decided to stand out from the crowd by promising the exact opposite:


But then what's left?

I'm intrigued by exactly what "take away the eating experience" means. I order food, they deliver it, then they take it away? Maybe they don't do food at all, only drinks? Or maybe they deliver all their dishes in pureed form and with a complimentary naso-gastric tube? It's a mystery.