Check the Score on the Doors

Remember the days when it was tough to judge whether or not a takeaway joint would give you food poisoning? You had to make your own judgements as to whether that mouse trap in the corner meant that what you thought were cumin seeds in your naan bread were in fact rodent droppings.

Fortunately, those days are long gone. Now there's the Scores on the Doors system. But sometimes proudly displaying your hygiene stars on the door of your establishment isn't enough. Sometimes you are just so damn hygienic that you have to shout it from the proverbial rooftops as well as from your non-proverbial front door:

Taste that hygiene!

Spring Fresh Ice Cream

So you've wolfed down your soggy seafood pizza and now you're looking for a dessert. How about a lovely tub of ice cream?

Is it just me, or does this ice cream taste a bit powdery?

I'm sure that anyone ordering this deal does in fact get a nice tub of Cookies 'n' Cream. But I prefer to imagine them receiving something like this:

Tomato Saucy

A parental advisory necessary for today's post. Somehow, a previously-featured nonsense-filled menu has made its manager's pledge of high quality pizza sound like something from a Carry On film.

Barbara Windsor says: "Ooooo, tomato saucy! [Giggle]"



Mmm... soggy...

If, like me, your knowledge of human behaviour comes primarily from US television series then you'll be familiar with the concept of one lie meaning many lies. The essential idea is that if a person is lying about one thing, chances are that they are lying about other things. And if the initial lie is a big'un, it's likely the subsequent ones are too.

I've noticed that a similar principle applies to takeaway menus. Spot one mistake and chances are you'll soon spot another. Spot an absolutely massive mistake, and it's almost certain that you'll uncover an even bigger blunder just a moment later.

No menu better demonstrates this rule than one for a nearby fish and chip/pizza/kebab/pie/chicken restaurant. I will be sharing every delight from this wonderful document in due course but I've decided to start with one my brother spotted while staying with me this past weekend. If I tell you I hadn't previously noticed it you'll understand the extent to which this menu is chock-full of nonsense.

Mmmm, lovely 'n' soggy...

"Hello? Yes, I'd like to order one of your seafood pizzas but I notice that you say the base might be bit soggy. I was just wondering: will the cheese be mouldy? OK, great. And will the tomato sauce consist mostly of out-of-date ketchup? Excellent. And will the fish be full of bones? Brilliant! One Seafood Delight, please!"