No need for charcoal

Spring is here and that means barbeque season can't be far off. Soon enough, any vaguely sunny evening (or any evening which follows a vaguely sunny day) will bring with it the smell of poorly cooked meat.

This time is not a particularly pleasant one for vegetarians who like to open their windows. Traditionally, though, it has been a good time for sellers of charcoal. Sales figures for this good ol'BBQ fuel have in years past soared by 110%* when March begins. But it seems the times they are a changin'. Now it's apparently possible to run a barbeque on a couple of pieces of lettuce, a slice of cucumber, and a bit of the old rocket:

It's sunny! I'm gonna fire up the barbeque. Get me a big bag of salad – quick!

* Guesstimate.

Fish 'n' fungi

Back in the late nineties, I held the very prestigious post of News Editor at the University of Reading student newspaper. My success in tracking down stories about the latest ant infestations in halls of residence was such that I was eventually promoted, first to the post of Deputy Editor (a brief tenure during which I wrote an editorial which managed to alienate pretty much every Irish person on campus) and then to the heady heights of Editorship.

When I left the News department I handed the reins over to one Ms Sally-Anne Johnson, an ace news hound who supplied me with an array of interesting stories with which to fill the paper I was now editing. A decade later and the situation has reocurred – this morning, Sally sent me this lovely example of Nonsense on the Menu taken from a menu she saw in Morocco.

I'll have a sea-bear with a side of mould, please.

Incidentally, Sally too climbed the ladder to Editorship of Spark. To my knowledge she did not insult any Irish people on the way and, after she left university, she became an actual proper journalist. Sally has her own lovely blog which tells you all about her adventures in modern day journalism.
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What's that you say? You too have an example of some menu nonsense? Well send it to me, if you please. Or just Facebook me because, let's face it, if you're reading this then chances are you're a Facebook friend of mine. Which reminds me: why not become a Facebook friend of Nonsense on the Menu?
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Why don't you?

I hated Why Don't You?, the school-holiday-time BBC kids TV series. It always bothered me that the central conceit of the show was contradictory – on the one hand, they wanted me to turn off my TV and do something less boring instead, but the on the other I had to have my TV on in order for them to tell me this. And, of course, for them to be able to show me some awful arts and crafts project which would apparently relieve my boredom.

Lately, however, I have discovered some love for the phrase. It's all thanks to this entry on a menu:

Why don't you?

I feel it only polite to answer the questions posed. I don't try our new Chicken Tropicana because I don't eat meat. And I don't try our new Sweet Bake Pizza because it sounds nothing short of completely revolting:




Cheese, caramel sauce and a layer of sweet syrup: making chalk and cheese seem like a good combination.