Check the Score on the Doors

Remember the days when it was tough to judge whether or not a takeaway joint would give you food poisoning? You had to make your own judgements as to whether that mouse trap in the corner meant that what you thought were cumin seeds in your naan bread were in fact rodent droppings.

Fortunately, those days are long gone. Now there's the Scores on the Doors system. But sometimes proudly displaying your hygiene stars on the door of your establishment isn't enough. Sometimes you are just so damn hygienic that you have to shout it from the proverbial rooftops as well as from your non-proverbial front door:

Taste that hygiene!

What's that smell?

Remember our good friends at Pizza 2 Night? They're the ones who were literally begging us to order online.

Well it seems their pleas fell on deaf ears. Recently I received a new menu from them and it contained this bombshell:


Yeah, but to be fair the old managers offered free delivery as well

The new managers aren't about to faff about with begging. No, they're straight to the goddamn point. Sort of:

The world's first ever scratch 'n' sniff website

No need for charcoal

Spring is here and that means barbeque season can't be far off. Soon enough, any vaguely sunny evening (or any evening which follows a vaguely sunny day) will bring with it the smell of poorly cooked meat.

This time is not a particularly pleasant one for vegetarians who like to open their windows. Traditionally, though, it has been a good time for sellers of charcoal. Sales figures for this good ol'BBQ fuel have in years past soared by 110%* when March begins. But it seems the times they are a changin'. Now it's apparently possible to run a barbeque on a couple of pieces of lettuce, a slice of cucumber, and a bit of the old rocket:

It's sunny! I'm gonna fire up the barbeque. Get me a big bag of salad – quick!

* Guesstimate.

Catering for a very specific audience

Only got one taste bud? Have I got the restaurant for you!

They're poets and I suspect they didn't know it



Speeling Checkhas Dunt Always Help

So I'm a writer and editor for a living. In this role, I am sometimes expected to offer the benefits of my expertise to those who don't get paid for spotting misplaced commas. Sometimes, this is a joyful experience – a collaboration which results in something better than either party could have come up with alone. More often than not though, it's miserable. Here's why: everyone thinks they can write. "Hey," they think, "I've been writing since I was five. I know what I'm doing! And, sure, sometimes I make mistakes with spelling and grammar, but that's what Word's spelling and grammar check is for! I certainly don't need some namby-pamby writer and editor telling me what to do."

Here's the truth though: they do need help. They really do. After all, I have been doing basic sums since the age of five but it doesn't mean I'm a mathematician. And having access to a calculator doesn't change that fact – I can't interpret the results it gives me. Same applies to spell checkers. Sure, they'll pick up some mistakes. But you can't rely on them for everything. Here's a case in point:

Classic

If you're in a pizza restaurant with me, there is no need to ask me what I am going to order. 99 times out of 100 the answer is going to be the same: Margherita. Some mock this choice, suggesting that it is unadventurous in the extreme. I have always confidentally countered with the argument that I am ordering a classic pizza. Mozzarella, tomato and basil: how can you go wrong? I tell people I favour the original and best (and, yes, I am also a big Kellogg's fan).

I am sad to report that it now seems my confident pronouncements have been highly misguided. I, it seems, have no idea quite what is meant by a classic pizza:

A pizza ain't a pizza without a meat that most people only eat once a year!

 To borrow from the mighty David Letterman: boy is my face red.

Do you think we should order more?

It can be tough to know whether the food and drink you have ordered is going to be sufficient to satisfy the hungry and thirsty mouths around your table. So I always like it when a restaurant specifies how many a menu item is likely to serve:

Hmmmm... so one can of soft drink only serves one person. I didn't know that. Had we better order more?